Late Night Monoblog

Monologue: November 27, 2011

• Occupy Wall Street continues to build momentum and is now entering it’s 6th month. The movement reminds me of high school: Rebelling against authority, having to ask to use a bathroom, and trying to not get caught “pitching a tent”

•  A woman in LA pepper sprayed shoppers to keep them from merchandise she wanted during a Black Friday sale, or as Megyn Kelly called it, took them out for dinner.

• Auckland University received $800k to fund a study on pornography. The study is scheduled to last 6 months that is unless participants pull out early. 

• Auckland University received $800k to fund a study on pornography. Unlike most pornography this one started with a money shot.

•  This week, a man in England was diagnosed with a rare cardiac condition that forbids him from laughing as it could trigger a heart attack. But don’t worry doctors are safely holding him in Whitney’s studio audience, so he’ll be fine.

• Six people died Wednesday night as their plane crashed into the superstition mountains late Wednesday night. Something told me it would be bad luck to fly through those mountains.

• Police say a Utah man was arrested for viewing child pornography on a Delta flight from Salt Lake City to Boston today. In his defense, it was either that or the inflight movie: The Tourist.

Thank You Notes

In honor of my mentor Jimmy Fallon, tonight we are doing Thank You Notes!

• Thank you Ludens cough drops, for having the balls to break into the cold medicine market with nothing but pure candy. The guts it must have taken to watch your competitors study natural remedies and test focus groups, and still say “Fuck that, just repackage these Jolly Ranchers and put um in the cold and flu isle.”

• Thank you Bath and Body Works, for having both the load music and smelly candles that allow me to discreetly fart in your store.

• Thank you Calvin and Hobbes, for reminding me that schizophrenia can be adorable.

• Thank you No-shave-ember, for being the first charity that awards my laziness. Next month can we sleep-in for Parkinson’s? “Sorry I’m 4 hours late to work boss… I just care too much.”

• Thank you Thanksgiving Dinner, for being filled with loud arguing, racist comments, and forgetful old men. You are like a republican debate, right in my house. 

• Thank you sweatshops, for making everyday bring your kids to work day.

Tonight’s Special Guest: Hannah Montana

Me: Hi Hannah, thank you so much for being on the show.

Hannah: Thanks for having me. Your Step-Dad and I are old friends.

Me: So many young talents are following in your footsteps. Do you ever feel like they are copying you.

Hannah: No, I’m happy to be a role model and love young female talents.

Me: Well, I have to say there is this one girl that I think is totally ripping you off. Her name is Miley Cyrus. She is a total poseur.

Hannah: Umm..

Me: But don’t worry, she is awful. She has this huge Easter-island statue for a head. I mean this noggin is gigantic. I think Banksy once did a piece on her forehead. It’s practically a five-head. Haha, It’s disgusting. You got nothing to worry about. The girl is a talentless whore. It’s bad.

Me: So I’m assuming you were born in Montana. Tell me what it was like growing up in Canada?

Hannah: Montana is not in Canada..and…Forget it, I’m leaving!

Me: Ok, just see my secretary on your way out to validate your parking, she’s a big fan.

Hannah: That’s not a secretary, that’s a raccoon you trained to sit at a desk by covering the top of it with maple syrup.

Me: …

Well that’s our show! Special thanks to Hannah Montana and Langhorne Slim. Have a great night!

Monologue: October 10, 2011

• Steve Jobs, passed away this week and he will be sorely missed as a man who drastically decreased the amount of computer crashes in the world, and drastically increased the amount of car crashes in the world.

• He was a true visionary. Before him, I never had to wonder if the email a coworker just sent me was written while on the toilet. 

• Canada is introducing rules to limit the amount of caffeine allowed in energy drinks such as Red Bull in their country. Thank god! If there is one complaint we have against Canadians it’s that they are too wild. Calm down up there, guys. Us placid Americans are trying to sleep for Pete sakes!

          Canada, the nervous soccer mom of North America.

• Sarah Palin went on Fox News Wednesday to publicly apologize for not running to her 2012 Presidency supporters.

          Both of them…

• Rupert Murdoch has set up a special “hotline” for staff to report any “illegal activity” they spy around the various News Corp newsrooms. Any employee who calls it can report illegal activity and also immediately file for unemployment.

• Chaz Bono continues to make a splash as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Many people are upset that he is dancing. I say few people know how to take up ball-room better than females who have undergone gender transitioning surgery.

Tonight’s Special Guest: Usher

Me: Thanks so much for coming to the set of my show, Usher!

Usher: We are in the back on an Arby’s.. but sure. Your Step Father is an important man and I’m happy to help him anyway I can.

Me: You can just call him my dad. Anyways, I was doing some research on my parent’s computer while they were sleeping and I noticed your tophats are constantly slipping off your head.

Yet, you always seem to laugh it off. If I were you I’d be furious at my top hat measurement guy! How did you become such an easy going guy?

Usher: Um yea well, I guess I was just raised to respect everyone…

Me: Well I know you are an entrepreneur so I’m just going to say two words, hat belt. Moving on…

Me: Have you ever gone to a wedding and had the groom ask you to be an usher and then the two of you just kind of look at each other for a second and then start laughing?

Usher: No.

Me: Oh well here’s a drawing I made of what I imagine that situation would be like.

Usher: Wow, construction paper.. and I assume I’m the stick figure that was drawn with the black crayon.

Me: Yup, the one with the top hat falling off.

Usher: Ok, I’m going to go now.

Me: Great. Special thanks to Usher and Jason Isbell. Goodnight everybody!

Tonight’s Guest: Daniel Radcliffe

Me: Welcome to the show, Daniel.

Daniel: Well your step father is a good friend, so I’m always happy to help him out.

Me: Let’s get right into it. I’m not a huge fan of the Harry Potter movies but I do think it is awesome that you are Elijah Wood’s retarded little brother. What was it like growing up with him.

Daniel: Umm, I’m not Elijah Wood’s brother or retarded. So…wait, can I ask why you don’t like the movies?

Me: Well, I don’t watch them cause I love Jesus, Daniel. He was the original Dumbledore… Never married, killed by his own people, and had an awesome beard.

Daniel: I see, well I’ve done other films and plays that don’t include sorcery.

Me: Yeah, the one where you show everyone your Nimbus 2000? No thanks.

Daniel: If you never saw the HP movies, how do you know all these references?

Me: I’m just saying no one wants to see your elder wand.

Daniel: Again, that’s a reference from the movie. You are lying about not being a fan.

Me: If I had a patronus, I think it would be a bottle of Xanax that flew around and stopped my step dad from throwing ashtrays at me.

Daniel: …..

Me: Anyway that’s our show. Thanks Daniel for your time and damning America’s youth to an eternity of hell. Please take these church pamphlets with you as you leave.

Monologue: July 18, 2011

• A mocked-up taxi used in the Canadian version of the game show Cash Cab struck and killed a pedestrian on Friday night. This time the driver failed the red light challenge.

• Japan defeated the US to win the Women’s World Cup yesterday. Japan says they will use the cup to bale water out of their country.

• A woman in Washington is facing charges after attempting to sell her child to customers at a Taco Bell. None of the Taco Bell customers wanted the baby but naturally, several were interested in buying the diapers.

• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony shocked the world by announcing they are getting a divorce. The news was especially saddening for those living in 1996 where people actually care about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony.

• Numerous tabloids are speculating where Casey Anthony is after she was released from jail Sunday and disappeared into night. When reached for comment Casey Anthony said she can’t understand why everyone is making a big deal about someone disappearing…again.

• A woman in Texas gave birth to a 16 pound baby last week. The woman said she knew she was going into labor when her soda broke.